If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
