This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
