cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
