apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
