Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
