I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
