I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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