cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
