my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
