We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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