if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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