Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
