im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
