If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
