i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
