dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
