you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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