I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
