Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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