I smell stomach acid.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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