Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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