Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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