is your mom at the bar?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There are leaves in my underwear?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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