but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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