My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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