I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
