fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
