my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
