I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Also, beer. Big fan.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
