I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
