wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
