So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
