The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
