A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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