Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
