I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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