Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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