Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
