She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
