no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
