Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
