yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I fill condoms, not promises.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
