somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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