Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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