I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
