So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
