Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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