I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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