Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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