she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
