I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
