Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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