I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
