he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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