Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
