OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize