Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
