There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
