my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
