Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
