So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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